Everything reminds me of my ex
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[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…