Everything reminds me of my ex
You Might Also Like
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan