Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Guantanamo Bae
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this