Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
No, you’re not getting it your honor
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
just pretend nothing happened
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.