Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
This 4th of July, please remember…
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Cake safety first. Always.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.