Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious