Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying