Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.