Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

We need it on priority

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

I love it

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

💀💀

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.