Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

I put the hot in psychotic.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?