Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..