“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
You Might Also Like
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Spring cleaning checklist…
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
Lmao
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Hmmmmm
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT