Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

who wore it better?

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.