Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
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we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Oops I deleted….
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
me hooking up with my ex
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
certified hallow’s eve classic
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.