Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
You Might Also Like
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.