Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.