Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
peeping toms
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.