Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
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I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.