“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
