“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
