Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My blood type is coffee.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.