Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Are you ok, human???

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.