Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
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Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Just a reminder, folks:
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.