Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?