Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I have a type: disappointing
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.