Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me, flirting😏
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask