I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*