*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me![]()
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter