Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
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If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.