Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.