Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
hackers play passwordle
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m literally crying
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?