Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.