Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
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It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Math at Halloween.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda