Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
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i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun