Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

Lol.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.