Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
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Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.