Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
You Might Also Like
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.