Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
You Might Also Like
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?