Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

🤣

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

same but as an audience member

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

😂😂😂

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.