Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
This came to me in a dream.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Is….Is this an option?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Lmao the reply
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
