Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
The cashier just checked me out.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.