Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click