everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
She: I like Cats
He:
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket