Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”