everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
What is going on? 😅
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Phones down.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?