everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.