Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.