Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
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Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It’s a gift
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them