Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?