evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
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I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
went fishing caught a bass
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Happy Halloween 🎃
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?