evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
That’s fair
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.