Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
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anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]