evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
This is my emotional support knife.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it