Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

i was dropped as an adult

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design