evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
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Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Maths meets science
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Great game to play with friends
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Autocorrect is my menesis
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly