Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

Put this video in the Louvre

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.