Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
do horses think humans are hats
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.