Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Let’s Go
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.