Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.