[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)