[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Meanwhile in Portland…
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…