Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..