Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

British people

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’