@decentbirthday

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

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@meghaffer

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

@FloodyHippie

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

@ROSEandDAYFIELD

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

@BoomBoomBetty

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

@lisaxy424

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

@obijawn

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything