“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
This is so wrong 😂
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