Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

…u ok Nintendo?

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.