Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
