“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise