“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.