“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*