Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

asked my bf how work was today

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

sleeping beauty

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings