Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”